I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
