Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
