I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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