Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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