I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
