dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
