peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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