I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
