woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
