i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
