My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
