So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
