this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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