Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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