I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Don't EVER smell your tampon
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Randomize
