guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
