i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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