Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
