I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
