I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
