I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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