Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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