a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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