The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
