I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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