Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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