i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
