so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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