my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
