The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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