Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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