love makes seman taste better
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
