I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
