He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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