First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
