best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
