I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
