oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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