Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
