dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
