pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
