K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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