Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I intend to get homeless drunk
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
