one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
