i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
