Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
