put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
