Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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