You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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