Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
