Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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