when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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