I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
