I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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