Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
