pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
