I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize