just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
