Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
