I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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