Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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